Red Flags in Polyamory: Pushy/Pressurised Polyamory
Polyamory may be a wonderful thing, but no relationship model is perfect. There are plenty of ways people can hurt you, either on purpose or unintentionally.
That is why you need to be aware of Polyamory Red Flags.
Red Flags are the signs that serve as a warning of upcoming dangers. They are the universal indicators given off by people or situations that tell you to keep your distance. Some of us have learned them through experience, but this way involves having to endure and then process the pain and damage caused. And so, we gather and share our collected knowledge in the hope we can prevent anyone else from going through the same thing.
And so, if you're looking to explore any form of ethical non-monogamy, please take a moment to learn some of the more common Polyamory Red Flags.
Sometimes, in order to grow as human beings, we need to step outside of our comfort zone. And often, this requires someone to give us a push do to so. And so someone encouraging us to do something new isn't necessarily a Red Flag on its own.
But when it comes to polyamory, it can feel like we're not so much pushing our boundaries as taking a solid run-up and shoulder-barging through them.
There can be a fine line between encouraging someone to try something new and pressuring them into something they don't want to do. This is why you need to be aware of the Polyamory Red Flag of Pushy or Pressurised Polyamory.
Pushy/Pressurised Polyamory
The journey into polyamory is a hard one. There is a lot of social conditioning to break through and established norms to learn to live without. Some of us find this easier than others, but even if this is the case, there are times when it can be an uncomfortable learning process.
And this can lead to significant Red Flags, which, if ignored, risk ruining polyamory for you completely. And the trouble is, while this can come from people who don't care about your well-being, it can also come from people who do.
Intentional Pressure
There are two main directions that someone can intentionally pressure you into areas of polyamory you're not ready for. One is from an established partner. The other is from a self-proclaimed polyamory "gatekeeper".
If an uncaring partner is keen to explore something - say, group sex - and you are not, they might start to pressure you into it before you're ready. They might tell you that you have to try it if you're serious about polyamory because "that's what polyamory is". Or they might use emotional blackmail. They want to experience new things, but you're holding them back.
Then there are "gatekeepers", the people who insist that you have to do certain things if you want to be polyamorous. The sort who insist that saying no to an invitation for sex means you're "not really polyamorous".
Unintentional Pressure
It's completely understandable to be excited by your new polyamorous adventure. And it's also understandable that you might suffer from tunnel vision when aiming for things you're excited to try. But it's not acceptable to allow yourself to ignore your partner's discomfort.
An unintentional Red Flag is just as red as any other. When you're a couple, polyamory is a journey you are taking together. One person can't run ahead alone or force them to sprint to keep up before they've warmed up.
And this brings us nicely to...
Treading a fine line
Here's where things get a bit tricky. Where's the line between healthy encouragement to step outside your comfort zone and pressure to do something you're uncomfortable with?
Well, that's for you to decide.
Yes, that's a very unhelpful answer. I know. But it's also true. Everyone is different. There are people out there who will be happy to be thrown into the deep end without warning and consider it the greatest favour anyone ever did them. But there will also be people who need time to slow lower themselves into the shallows before even thinking of getting to a point where their feet don't touch the bottom.
What's the Solution
Combatting this Polyamory Red Flag is tricky, as it all depends on the people involved. Some people have a strong knowledge of their comfort zone and are confident in establishing boundaries. But others do not. Some people have a strong sense of empathy, while others can be self-centred.
But let's look at this from both sides of the equation.
Protecting yourself
Sometimes, setting and enforcing boundaries is hard. You might not want to disappoint someone? Or you might feel you have something to prove. But there are three truths I want to impart:
You get to decide what you want from polyamory, and there are no set requirements you have to achieve to be part of this community.
Only you can say when you've reached a point you don't want to cross. You can't rely on other people to know.
Anyone who doesn't stop, listen, and adjust their behaviour when you state a boundary is being unethical. And at that point, whether intentionally or not, they are working against your best interests.
Protecting others
It's okay to encourage someone to try something new. And it's okay to feel disappointed if you have to hold back on experiencing something new because someone else's well-being had to take precedence.
But let me state the following point for the record:
If you hurt someone unintentionally, you're still just as responsible for their pain as if you'd done it on purpose.
Yes, it's more understandable, and you can justify how/why you did it, but none of that absolves you from the responsibility. Even if you have no idea you were hurting them, it's still your fault.
Right, everyone got that?
Things also depend on the situation. In an established, long-term relationship, you should have a much better idea of where the line is. But if you're in a new relationship, this will be a much trickier thing to establish. You need to display communication and empathy and make sure you're never pushing someone too far.
Pushy or Pressurised Polyamory is, perhaps, one of the trickier Polyamory Red Flags to avoid.
With so much unlearning to do, it can be tricky to determine what is the discomfort of stepping away from social norms and what is something we’re not ready for. There is no simple answer for how to avoid it happening to you or doing it to someone else.
Essentially, the solution to Pushy or Pressurised Polyamory is gaining a greater understanding of polyamory as a whole. Understanding there is no set requirement we have to meet, that we can build our relationship any way we want, and that constant communication is vital at everything stage.
Sometimes it's good to have someone encourage you out of your comfort zone, but ethical non-monogamy is about choosing what you want. Consent matters. Only you get to decide what, when, and how you want to experience polyamory
