Red Flags in Polyamory: Pretend/Uncertain Polyamory
Polyamory may be a wonderful thing, but no relationship model is perfect. There are plenty of ways people can hurt you, either on purpose or unintentionally.
That is why you need to be aware of Polyamory Red Flags.
Red Flags are the signs that serve as a warning of upcoming dangers. They are the universal indicators given off by people or situations that tell you to keep your distance. Some of us have learned them through experience, but this way involves having to endure and then process the pain and damage caused. And so, we gather and share our collected knowledge in the hope we can prevent anyone else from going through the same thing.
And so, if you're looking to explore any form of ethical non-monogamy, please take a moment to learn some of the more common Polyamory Red Flags.
The decision to begin your journey into polyamory is a big one. Sometimes it involves going slowly, and at other times throwing yourself in headfirst. But one thing I know for sure is that when you know, you know for sure. For some of us, polyamory just makes sense.
But sometimes, when you're certain about something, it can be difficult to see that other people don't feel the same way.
When it comes to Polyamory Red Flags, something that's important to recognise is when you're dating someone who, for whatever reason, simply isn't willing or able to continue on this journey with you.
You need to be aware of Pretend and Uncertain Polyamory.
Pretend Polyamory
Polyamory's just a phase, isn't it? If people want to play around before settling down, then where's the harm in that? Once they find "The One", or realise they'll never find "The One" until they settle down and start behaving sensibly, they'll come running back to good old traditional monogamy.
Wow. It's amazing how hard it was to write that many lies in one paragraph. But the thing is, a lot of people actually believe this. They accept that non-monogamy is a thing, but not that anyone will stay with it forever. They see it as something to "grow out of".
This is a Red Flag that I call "Pretend Polyamory". When somebody pretends to be happy with polyamory but will expect you to give it up for them once things become serious. And this can come from two different directions. So let's discuss the differences between cowboys and tourists.
Cowboys
A "Cowboy/girl" is someone who knows you are polyamorous but full-on intends to force you back into monogamy.
The name comes from the idea that they seek to separate you from the polyamory "herd". They will pretend to be okay with ethical non-monogamy but, over time, will work to slowly pull you away. Then, once you're invested in the relationship and emotionally bonded, the Cowboy/girl will outright state they expect you to give up polyamory for them. Essentially using their emotional bond to blackmail you into being monogamous with them.
Tourists
A "Tourist" is someone who is only "visiting" polyamory.
Some people are more than happy to live an ethically non-monogamous lifestyle while they're young but fully intend to "settle down" eventually. It might be that they want to enjoy themselves before having a family, or it might be they are simply happy to play around while looking for "The One". And this is perfectly acceptable. But that doesn't mean it's not a Polyamory Red Flag. Because if you make an emotional connection with someone who plans to give up polyamory, and you do not, then someone is going to get hurt.
Uncertain polyamory
Of course, not everyone is out to intentionally manipulate you into abandoning polyamory. But not all Polyamory Red Flags are intentional behaviours.
For some of us, ethical non-monogamy is easy, others find it to be a much harder path. And if you date someone who has difficulty keeping their feet, you need to be prepared for the possibility that polyamory simply might not be for them. Not everyone who gives polyamory a try finds it to be something they want to do. And while I've seen plenty of people overcome this trepidation, I've also seen people who've decided that no, this life isn't for them.
But what if they've already fallen for you? Or you them? Just because a partner might not have intended to force you to choose between them and polyamory doesn't mean that choice isn't going to hurt.
My personal experience
I don't have personal experience with this Polyamory Red Flag. But I have seen a good friend of mine get seriously hurt by dating someone clearly uncertain about polyamory.
(For the purposes of this story, we'll call them "F" (for "Friend") and "MP" (for "Monogamous Partner").)
F had been polyamorous for years when he met MP. But despite the fact they knew about each other's deals, they felt an instant connection. And so, in order to be able to explore that connection, MP decided they would open themselves up to polyamory.
But while the two of them were infatuated with each other, the rest of us could see how uncomfortable MP was with the situation. Over time, F had to spend more and more time reassuring them. MP began requesting F didn't mention their other partners (one of which they lived with) while they were together. It was clear, at least to the rest of us, that things were going to end badly.
And eventually, it all exploded. MP decided they couldn't do it anymore. They were in love with F, but F was never going to give up polyamory or their other partners. And so MP cut F out of their life completely. And considering F was well and truly in love at this point and had invested so much time making MP comfortable, you can imagine how devastating that was for them.
What's the solution?
One way to avoid dating people who are not 100% committed to polyamory is to refuse to date anyone not already in at least one long-term relationship. And I know a few people who do just that. But this isn't possible for everyone.
So my advice for this Polyamory Red Flag is to trust your friends.
Your friends see your relationships from angles that you cannot. They are also not emotionally invested and are less likely to ignore Yellow or Red Flags. Make your friends aware that you'll always be prepared to listen to them if they have concerns about your relationships. Or, better yet, find friends who'll be devastatingly honest with you about your partners, whether you want it or not.
As a Polyamory Red Flag, Pretend/Uncertain Polyamory is an example of the same problem coming from two different angles. Because they share the same core issue, that of you making an emotional connection with someone who then insists on your changing your lifestyle to make them happy.
And whether this was their plan all along or an admission that they just can't do it, the impact on you will be the same. Heartbreak and disappointment.
When it comes to relationships, one of my core beliefs is that the only person with responsibility for your happiness is you. And this is a perfect example of that. The only way to avoid this Polyamory Red Flag is to be completely honest with yourself about who you date.
