Red Flags in Polyamory: Refusing Labels
Polyamory may be a wonderful thing, but no relationship model is perfect. There are plenty of ways people can hurt you, either on purpose or unintentionally.
That is why you need to be aware of Polyamory Red Flags.
Red Flags are the signs that serve as a warning of upcoming dangers. They are the universal indicators given off by people or situations that tell you to keep your distance. Some of us have learned them through experience, but this way involves having to endure and then process the pain and damage caused. And so, we gather and share our collected knowledge in the hope we can prevent anyone else from going through the same thing.
And so, if you're looking to explore any form of ethical non-monogamy, please take a moment to learn some of the more common Polyamory Red Flags.
When it comes to relationships, there is a myriad of labels. Labels we begin learning as children so that by the time we start creating adult relationships, we're all speaking the same language.
But stepping away from monogamy leaves us in a place where these labels may well no longer work. Either they no longer match, or they do match, but we want to avoid the sometimes toxic implications they come packaged with.
But while it's fine that someone may want to avoid using certain labels, refusing to use any at all is a Polyamory Red Flag.
Why the old labels no longer work
One of the reasons monogamy feels so "natural" to most of us is that we know the names for all the different parts of it. What they're called and what they mean. When someone says "girlfriend/boyfriend", for example, we know exactly what they mean without any further explanation.
The problem is, in a world without comprehensive relationship education, we're only taught the labels that fit the monogamous "standard". Once you move into non-monogamy, you find yourself in a place where labels either don't fit or have unwanted connotations.
Labels can simply no longer fit
Embracing ethical non-monogamy means stepping into a world where every relationship is built from the ground up. We're no longer obliged to take the same model as everyone else and so get to pick and choose what elements work for us while discarding any that don't.
But while that's great, the fallout from this is that many of the standard labels no longer fit. Or, at least, they no longer mean the same thing they would do in monogamy.
Labels can have toxic connotations
Sometimes, the problem isn't that a label no longer fits your situation but rather that it has picked up too many toxic connotations.
For example, let's take marriage. Two polyamorous people can still get married, making them husband and wife. However, many people feel these titles are too closely associated with marriage's rather patriarchal history. And so they will choose not to use those labels in their relationship, despite the fact they are technically accurate.
Why refusal to use labels is a Red Flag
So, if part of embracing polyamory means accepting that many existing labels no longer fit, why would it be a Polyamory Red Flag to give them up completely?
The thing about labels is they are a sign that you know what you are looking for, and what you want. They might not fit perfectly, and they might come with a myriad of caveats and qualifiers, but they pin down a meaningful agreement.
You're not allowed to have your cake and eat it too
Polyamory means freedom. Freedom to create your own relationships outside of the strict templates society had conditioned us to accept.
But that freedom doesn't include ignoring other people's needs.
Someone refusing to attach any labels to a relationship, no matter how vague, means one of two things. Either they have no idea what they want, or they want a relationship they can remould as their whims take them.
It's okay to go into a relationship not knowing exactly what you want in the long term. But if that is the case, it has to be acknowledged. In this case, the label is likely Relationship Anarchy. And while there's nothing wrong with that, you need to be able to give people that label so they can make an informed decision about having that style of relationship.
But the big danger is those people who don't want labels because it prevents them from changing their mind whenever they feel like it. These are the people who will tell you all the things you want to hear when it suits them but then decide they want something else a week later. And when this hurts you, they tell you they always said you had "no labels". This can be because they are simply so self-centred that other people's feelings don't matter to them. Or this can be part of the tool-kit of those people out to manipulate those new to non-monogamy, with the old "You have to be okay with this if you want to be polyamorous" gambit.
Refusing labels is not the same as being uncertain
But let me slip in a quick qualifier to all this.
Being uncertain about what you want is not the same thing as refusing to put a label on something. Most of us come into polyamory unsure about what we want. Often, that's because we have no idea what the options actually are, let alone how we'll feel once we experience them. I've been ethically non-monogamous for over a decade and recently ended a relationship because I discovered something new about myself.
It's important to remember two things.
One, when you are uncertain about something, communicate this to your partner(s). If they're not prepared to date someone still discovering themselves, that's their boundary. You need to give them the space to enforce it.
And two, you can change your mind. No label is permanent. You may be happy calling someone your boyfriend at the start but eventually want to change. That's okay, as long as this is always communicated.
In ethical non-monogamy, labels can be tricky. Whether it's because you want to avoid assumptions, step away from monogamous norms, or your relationships have become too complicated, we find ourselves untethered from the simple definitions we've always known.
But refusing to accept any kind of label or definition is not the way forward. Even Relationship Anarchy has to be ethically defined between those involved.
At the end of the day, it's not so much about definition as knowing where you stand. If a label is needed to ensure you know what's going on with your relationships, then you need to use that label. And refusing to do so is a sign someone doesn't want you knowing where you stand. And no one ever wants that if they care about you.
