There are many reasons people decide to explore ethical non-monogamy. But whatever led you on the first steps of your relationship journey, the best things you can get from polyamory are probably not what you are expecting. 

Sometimes, what we think we want and what we really want are not the same. 

If you are at the beginning your journey into polyamory, you will likely have specific goals that you want to achieve. This is good. It provides a framework around which to build this life. But don’t allow yourself to become so focused on one goal that you don’t allow yourself to see what else is on offer around you.

Ultimately, embracing polyamory forces you to work on yourself as a person. Because the most important person in all of your potential relationships is you.

The friends and the community

Sex with multiple people is great, but have you ever made a really good friend? 

I’m putting this first, as this has been one of the most significant elements of my journey into polyamory. I came into ethical non-monogamy looking for sex. But the number of people I’ve slept with is vastly smaller than the number of friendships I’ve made along the way. 

We don’t meet new people in a vacuum. If you meet one polyamorous person, it’s more than likely you’ll meet more. Whether that's been at clubs, events, or socials, they’ll be plenty of them around. And we’re a friendly bunch. My personal belief is that the polyamorous community is more open than most. Our openness towards relationships tends to expand to other elements of life. So don’t blinker yourself ignore any interaction that isn’t leading to sex. Get to know people. I’ve met some of my best friends through polyamory. 

Better general relationship skills

The main problem with monogamy isn’t monogamy itself. The problem is that because it’s the default relationship model, people don’t feel they need to put in the work to make their relationships the best they can be. In polyamory, we don’t have that luxury.

We are not educated about ethical non-monogamy. It’s only representations in the media have a myopic focus on sex. We don’t know what we’re doing. And so we are forced to teach ourselves the skills to make our relationships work. 

But here’s the secret about building a successful polyamorous relationship: It uses exactly the same skills needed to build a successful monogamous relationship. The research you will need to do around ethical non-monogamy and polyamory will teach you way to develop all your relationships, both romantic and platonic. 

Better overall communication skills

When I began reading books on communication in polyamory, I realised they were saying same things as those I had read while studying leadership and management for my day job: Active listening, breaking down what you want to communicate, understanding how someone else’s point of view affects their relationship with you, and unconscious bias.

None of the elements of good communication are restricted to a single area of your life. The skills I learnt for work helped me in my relationships. And skills I learnt in my relationships helped me in my career. And my platonic friends. And every other kind of relationship I had in my life. 

Communication is communication. And being better equipped to communicate what you need, and to facilitate the same in others, is a good thing. 

More appreciation for those who are “different”

As a straight, middle-class, white male, I live a very privileged life. And at no time was I more aware of this than when I came out about my polyamory. I had very little fear it would impact my life in any negative way. And yet I still had some hesitancy about it. With all my privilege and confidence in those in my life, I still worried about how people would take it. 

I will never equate my experience to anyone in the LGBTQ+ community, or from an ethnicity other than my own. I can’t even hope to understand their life experiences. But this experience gave me new clarity into what they must go through. The act of “Coming Out”, of having to decide whether or not it’s practical or safe to be honest about who you are, is something I know of, but can never fully understand. But I hope that at the very least this helped me be more aware of my privilege. 

And for people like me, anything that makes us check our privilege is a good thing. 

A better understanding of yourself

In order to fully embrace polyamory, or any form of ethical non-monogamy, you need to be honest about what you want. And to do that, you need to have an honest understanding of yourself.

So much in life is expected or assumed. All too often we don’t question whether we actually desire the things we aim for. Especially around relationships. Part of my journey in polyamory has been about reassessing my relationship with myself. For the last three decades, I have “known” what I wanted out of life. But in the last three years, I’ve been forced to actively look at those goals and think about whether I truly wanted to achieve them, or if I had just always assumed that I did.

Some of you will decide that yes, you still want those things. Others will discover that what they actually want to make them happy is different from what they’ve been conditioned to believe. And anything that builds and improves your relationships with yourself — and the knowledge of what you need to be happy — is, you’ve guessed it, a good thing.