Is Compersion the Opposite of Jealousy?
Exploring polyamory doesn’t involve ridding ourselves of jealousy (because that’s not only impossible but also unnecessary)
Is compersion the opposite of jealousy?
One of the first worries that comes up on a couple's polyamory journey is jealousy. Sharing our partner and seeing them with someone else is a new experience for most of us and one that comes with understandable worries.
But then we are introduced to the concept of compersion. We don't need to be worried about jealousy because there is a wonderful opposing force that we can experience where we can actually feel good seeing our partner with other people.
But it's not an opposing force. It might be a useful simplification to think about it that way, but jealousy and compersion are not opposites, and thinking of them as such is going to create a roadblock in your understanding of polyamorous relationships. Because if you think of compersion and jealousy as opposites, it leads to the misconception that you can only feel one or the other. And this isn't true. You can absolutely feel compersion and jealousy at the same time. And the only thing that prevents this from happening is believing that you can't.
So, let's take a moment to discuss compersion and jealousy, their relationship with each other, and how they can exist at the same time.
To understand the relationship between compersion and jealousy, we first need to understand where both of these emotions come from.
Let's start with jealousy. Now, the problem most people have when trying to deal with jealousy is not realising that, believe it or not, jealousy doesn't actually exist. At least, not in my opinion. I talk about this in more detail here, but in short, the feelings that we have learned to call jealousy are actually a combination of two separate emotions: insecurity and envy. When you feel "jealous" about the idea of your partner being with someone else, what you are actually feeling is (a) insecurity that they will prefer the other person to you and/or (b) envy at what they are experiencing, because you are not experiencing the same thing right now.
And what about compersion? I write about it in greater detail here, but in a nutshell, compersion is the positive feeling of seeing our partner happy independently of us. We all feel good when we make our partner happy, but the empathetic feeling of knowing they don't need you to be happy.
When you look at jealousy and compersion, it's easy to see where the idea of them being opposites comes from. One is a negative emotion caused by seeing your partner with someone else, and the other is a positive one.
But if you look closer, you realise that while jealousy and compersion can be caused by the same thing, that doesn't mean they are inherently connected.
Think about it; do you have to be one hundred per cent happy with your life to feel empathy? No. You can feel good for people when you're in a bad place. Going through a bad breakup doesn't stop you from feeling good about a friend getting a promotion. Having a broken leg doesn't stop you from celebrating at a family wedding. You might be struggling, but you wouldn't think twice about it. So why should it be any different with relationships?
Feeling envy or insecurity about your partner dating someone else doesn't stop you from enjoying the fact they are happy.
This is the key to understanding compersion and jealousy.
While they might be opposing emotions, that doesn't mean they are opposites. Because if they were, one would be counter to the other, and none of us would be able to feel happy about our partner dating other people until we can completely remove all traces of envy and insecurity from our lives. And believe me, as much as I wish that were possible, I've never met a single person who has managed that, no matter how long they've been polyamorous. But I know it doesn't matter because I can feel excited seeing my partner happy with someone else while also feeling insecure within myself or envious of what they have.
In one way, knowing this makes your polyamory journey a lot easier because it frees us from the worry that we somehow have to overcome or defeat jealousy before we can experience compersion. But it also means that feeling compersion doesn't mean we never have to worry about jealousy ever again.
So, is compersion the opposite of jealousy?
No.
Just because one emotion is a positive one and another is negative doesn't mean they are automatically on opposing ends of a scale.
Our polyamory journey isn't a straight line from monogamy to polyamory. It's about stepping outside of mono-normative expectations into the great wide world of relationships. Part of that journey involves learning to better handle negative emotions such as jealousy by better understanding them and learning to deal with them in healthy ways. And part of that journey is exploring the concept of compersion and understanding that our partners don't require us to be happy, just as we shouldn't require them to be happy.
So don't worry if you want to explore polyamory but struggle with jealousy. Envy and insecurity are part of who we are. Like any other emotion, they are a way for our brains to make sense of the dangers in the world around us. Polyamory isn't about removing them from our lives. It's about learning not to let them define us and our relationships.
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