Polyamory Week 2021: How Do Break-Ups Work In Polyamory?
You can find all posts for Polyamory Week 2021 here.
So. I guess I need to talk about it. This summer, my marriage ended.
It was amicable, and it had been a process we had been going through, consciously and unconsciously, for quite a while.
But it was still hard for everyone in the relationship. And there weren't only two people in the relationship, were there?
When two polyamorous people break up, how does that affect everyone else romantically involved?
What happens when other people in your polycule break up?
My wife and I had been together for fifteen years and were in a polyamorous V-model relationship. I was married to Frankie, and also dating Aine. While she and Frankie weren’t involved romantically they had their own friendship separate from me.
So when Frankie and I broke up, Aine had more of an emotional stake in what was happening than a simply platonic friend.
I don’t want to speak for her, so here are her own words, taken from her recent blog post:
And you want to know what surprised me the most? I reacted in the same way I have done to my own relationships ending. I was heartbroken for them both and had zero idea on how to handle it.
[…]
I think I went through the entire rainbow of emotion and back again. Eventually I just had to learn, like with most relationships, this was between them. I did not cause it, nor did I feel like I had, I couldn’t fix it and I couldn’t ask them to fix it just because I felt hurt for them. There is a level of selflessness you have to achieve, not to ignore your own feelings, but, to put it bluntly…this isn’t about you. My job was to support Tom and the job to myself was recognise the attack to the equilibrium I thought I had found within in poly and brace myself for the re jig I would have to do.
Recognise the attack to the equilibrium
One thing I have learnt in polyamory is how deceptively fragile the balance of our relationships truly is.
Every relationship is unique and has its own equilibrium. The balance of needs and wants between two (or more) people that make up their life together. In monogamy, we often don’t think about this. We all have the same template and foundation to follow (which is unhealthy in its own right, but more of that another time).
So when exploring polyamory we suddenly find ourselves building with tools we are not experienced in using.
The three of us learned, after some shaky moments, that it was important to sit down and have proactive discussions every time the equilibrium in our relationships changed. Because if you change one thing you need to ensure everything is still balanced.
So when Frankie stopped seeing her partner and wasn’t seeing anyone new, it meant she would need more attention from me. And that would affect the time Aine and I spent together,
And when Aine and I told each other we loved each other, it meant our relationship had grown more intimate and committed. This needed to be communicated with Frankie, and the balance of my time readjusted.
But some changes are bigger than others. Some changes mean everything needs to be reassessed.
Zero idea on how to handle it
When my and Frankie’s relationship ended, it meant all previous equilibrium between Aine and myself had to change.
Aine went from being my “secondary” girlfriend to my only partner. Our entire relationship status quo had been turned on its head. Possibilities that had been off the table, such as living together, for example, were suddenly back in the mix.
But all of that couldn’t take place until the dust had settled.
First off, I was a mess. As amicable as things were, it didn’t mean they didn’t utterly shake up my life. And for the next few months, Aine was there to support me through the depression and uncertainty that followed. To quote her again:
There is a level of selflessness you have to achieve, not to ignore your own feelings, but, to put it bluntly…this isn’t about you. My job was to support Tom…
She also had to think about herself. She had to mourn mine and Frankie’s relationship in her own way. As she says in her post:
I reacted in the same way I have done to my own relationships ending. I was heartbroken for them both and had zero idea on how to handle it.
She was in pain and learning how to negotiate that pain from a whole new angle. Her mental wellbeing and emotional turmoil were just as important as mine.
(On a quick side-note: this woman has been an absolute saint these last few months. I couldn’t have had a more wonderful person to help me through this.)
The re-jig I would have to do.
No relationship is break-up proof. Nor should they be.
I’ve written before about how any healthy relationship needs to include an awareness of the possibility of breaking up. Because if you think it’s impossible that something can weaken, you won’t work on making it stronger. And relationships coming to an end is not an inherently bad thing.
And while we think about relationships ending being about the two people involved, there is often more than that. There may be children involved. Or especially close families. And shared friends.
But when you are polyamorous, it can leave you in a place where you are both mourning one relationship while readjusting another to compensate.
So, how do break-ups work in polyamory?
Essentially, they work in the same way they do in monogamy. Just with more people.
Part of any relationship is being there for your partner in the good times and the bad. This doesn’t change. For me, having Aine there for me through it all made everything far easier. Not easy, by any means, but easier. But on the other side of the coin, she had to go through more for me than I think she had seen coming when we got together.
