What is Couple Privilege?
How to address the monogamous mindset that can beset non-monogamists of all experience levels
What is Couple Privilege?
In the polyamorous community, there are few problems quite so well known as Couple Privilege.
If you spend any time getting to know people in the polyamorous community, you will hear horror stories from single people about how they were treated poorly by couples they dated or Triads that have fallen apart because it manifested. Some people even refuse to date anyone in an established couple because they've been burned by Couple Privilege in the past.
So, let's take a closer look at Couple Privilege: what it is, why it exists, and how we can learn to avoid damaging our relationships.
What is Couple Privilege?
Couple Privilege is something that manifests in ethically non-monogamous relationships when we allow ourselves to fall back into the subconscious belief that the "couple" is the highest form of relationship model. And so, no matter how many people are involved in the relationship, two people - subconsciously or intentionally - consider themselves as a pair with more importance or authority than any others.
What does Couple Privilege Look Like?
There are many different ways in which Couple Privilege can manifest:
A couple setting up rules and expectations that anyone dating them is expected to follow without question;
Two people making decisions about a multi-person relationship without consulting their other partners;
Using language that subconsciously assigns seniority, such as "our girlfriend" or "we are the couple";
A couple maintaining a barrier between their "real life" - such as spending time with family, work, or friends - and their dating life.
Bear in mind that these are only a few of the more obvious examples. There are plenty of ways that Couple Privilege can manifest, some obvious but others far more subtle or insidious.
Why Does Couple Privilege Exist?
Couple Privilege can exist for any number of reasons, but the main one is that, to put it simply, monogamy is a hell of a drug.
We are not taught how to build relationships. Instead, we are conditioned through society and media. We see the relationships around us and are expected to emulate them. And because of this, monogamy is not easy to unlearn. We can think that we have the skills to create polyamorous relationships, but as so much of what we do is subconscious, it's easy not to realise when toxic habits and behaviours are slipping through.
And don't forget, no matter how committed we are to learning new ways of building our relationships, the world is still built around the idea of the Couple. Even as we fight to create something new, the world around us continues to force us into boxes we can't even see. When people look at multi-person relationships, they look for who the "couple" is within the dynamic, even if they don't mean to.
Everyone is at risk of developing Couple Privilege
When it comes to people's perceptions of Couple Privilege, the cliche is that it exclusively affects couples who have only recently opened up their relationship. Commonly referred to as Unicorn Hunters, these are couples who are new to ethical non-monogamy and haven't done the work to see how they are looking at people as objects of their desire rather than partners.
But while that is true, it's dangerous to think this is the only place you will find Couple Privilege.
I have seen people who have been polyamorous for years display Couple Privilege. I have seen newly formed Triads and Thruples fall apart when two of the people involved unwittingly formed a "couple" in their minds and didn't realise they had relegated the third person to a secondary position.
Don't think you are immune just because you are coming into polyamory solo or have been polyamorous for years. None of us are perfect, and it's important to remember that.
The Difference Between Couple Privilege and Boundaries
So, does combatting Couple Privilege mean completely giving up on the concept of a "couple" and creating utterly balanced relationships?
No.
It is perfectly fine to want to maintain boundaries and protect your existing two-person relationship, even when opening it up. Hierarchical Polyamory is not for everyone, but it is a valid choice if that is what works for you and your partners. You are not obliged to give up on all traditional relationship elements and one-on-one relationships to be polyamorous. It is possible to create beautiful, balanced, and ethical multi-person relationships while maintaining your status as a "couple".
Also, it's important to remember that not everyone who dates a couple wants to be an equal partner. Some people are more than happy to be a secondary partner and to be part of a couple's "fun" life without getting involved with the serious parts.
Every relationship begins with negotiation. Many people have parts of their lives they don't want to change or are not safe to change. What's important is openly identifying, addressing, and communicating these to your partners, as well as constantly and actively monitoring yourself and your behaviours for any toxic behaviours that might develop.
Whether we like it or not, Couple Privilege is something all of us need to be aware of. Whether it comes from a couple not educating themselves enough before opening up their relationship or monogamous behaviours subconsciously seeping into our polyamorous dynamics, it can appear at any time.
If you notice it happening to you, or if someone else raises examples of it in your behaviour, the solution is not to ignore it or get defensive. Like so much else in polyamory and relationships, we have to accept we are not perfect and address problems when they are raised.
Unfortunately, Couple Privilege is an inevitability in polyamory. The way we are raised and the way culture and society are designed and built around the word "relationship" being synonymous with the word "couple", makes it a certainty that this kind of thing will slip into our relationships.
But, like so many things in polyamory, as long as we communicate our boundaries, needs, and concerns, and, above all, handle them like grown-ups, Couple Privilege can be managed.
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